Mdthbs

I work in an office with about 40 other people in varying situations (junior up to director level). I'm a little older than my immediate peers (the people I work with and socialize with) and more financially established in life, mostly due to luck and timing rather than any exceptional skill on my part.

Our culture
We have a very chatty environment where it's the norm to share a lot of personal information, so I hear a lot about my peers' children, schools, financial troubles etc. Some of my peers are 'working poor' who have full time jobs but are still struggling financially, in some cases claiming welfare benefits.

Frequently my 'peers' ask for my advice or input on things that come up in their lives that are new to them, but not to me as I've come across them before. For example "how to ask their landlord about problem X" or "what features to look for with this household item they need to buy".

My issue is that as a somewhat more well-off person I feel guilty in displaying any signs of relative "wealth", for example:

• I'm looking for a newer car (about 3-4 years old; mine is 11 years old) which some of my peers would perceive as a luxury (I'm not going to ask them anything about cars, but it will be seen when I buy it and arrive in the car park).


• sometimes I take a trip outside 'our city' and stay in a hotel which I feel guilty admitting I spent the money on when asked as part of the general chat "what did you do over the long weekend you took PTO for?"


• I recently had about $3000 of unexpected repairs to my house which I could spend but would have financially ruined others, so I feel guilty mentioning it. I mentioned the problem originally believing it to be much smaller and it was the reason for needing to take a day off at short notice. So then they asked what happened with it.

I worry that displays of "relative wealth" like this would be perceived as grotesque or bragging by less well-off colleagues (partly influenced by my own feelings when I was the less well-off colleague myself and did feel this way).

My question - is it poor office etiquette to display/mention signs of "relative" wealth when I know others are struggling? Should I hide them and avoid the subject (in a workplace where people do talk openly)?

is it poor office etiquette to display/mention signs of "relative" wealth when I know others are struggling?

Given that you are not doing it with the intention to brag or boast (it comes up naturally in a conversation), then it's ok.

Sometimes, people can take naive or honest things one says the wrong way, but there is few to nothing you can do to prevent some people for taking it that way or to feel envy for your situation.

As long as you don't treat differently or reject your coworkers for being in a different situation you are not doing anything wrong.

Should I hide them and avoid the subject (in a workplace where people do talk openly)?

Perhaps not hide or avoid them, as you will be halting the natural conversation and deviating from the company culture you mentioned (open, conversational, honest).

However, there are some details that you could refrain from mentioning.

For example, you could have chatted with someone about your house repairs and how inconvenient they were, but could have conveyed your message without having to explicitly mention the $3000 number (perhaps saying "I had to spend some money I didn't intend to on my house, how inconvenient", instead of dropping the number).

That way you will avoid disclosing certain details that could make someone feel "bad", but are still being polite and true to your company culture by not avoiding casual chats and conversations.

Now, if someone asks you for the amount (or the detail you wish to avoid), then it's up to you to disclose it, and it would be foolish of them to take it the wrong way if they are asking for it in the first place...

The key to maintain professionalism is to keep the details out of it.

• I'm looking for a newer car (about 3-4 years old; mine is 11 years
  old) which some of my peers would perceive as a luxury (I'm not going
  to ask them anything about cars, but it will be seen when I buy it
  and arrive in the car park).

There is nothing you can do about it, and you can just say "I got a good deal", and not mention how much you payed for it. It's not their business, and if you don't disclose the details, you remain professional. Then, change the subject ASAP

• sometimes I take a trip outside 'our city' and stay in a hotel which I feel guilty admitting I spent the money on when asked as part of the general chat "what did you do over the long weekend you took PTO for?"

Again, the fewer details, the better. "Oh, we went to visit family, had some dinner, the usual" Then change the subject "Hey, anything interesting happen while I was gone?

• I recently had about $3000 of unexpected repairs to my house which I could spend but would have financially ruined others, so I feel guilty mentioning it. I mentioned the problem originally believing it to be much smaller and it was the reason for needing to take a day off at short notice. So then they asked what happened with it.

Either don't bring this up, or if you must, downplay the expense and again, the fewer details the better.

"Ah, my house needed a bit of work, it didn't break me, but it hurt."

Same thing with the car, "I got a good deal" should be enough.

If pressed for details, you can blow it off by saying it's annoying and you'd rather talk about something else.

Become genuinely interested in your coworkers, and their interests, and talk about THOSE subjects, and you can avoid the topic most of the time and not have to worry.

Also, be careful not to project your unease on your coworkers. If you are uneasy about your relative wealth, they will start to resent you. Just be their coworker.

We have a very chatty environment where it's the norm to share a lot
of personal information, so I hear a lot about my peers' children,
schools, financial troubles etc. Some of my peers are 'working poor'
who have full time jobs but are still struggling financially, in some
cases claiming welfare benefits.

My background is similar to yours. I've been fortunate (well-off parents, white, male, etc.) and I'm significantly better off than a lot of my friends.

As best I can tell - and I can only speak from my side of things, not from the working-poor side - it makes a huge difference whether one is mindful of those advantages. It's very rare that somebody would hold it against me personally that I'm comparatively well off, but being oblivious about it is a great way to foster resentment.

A couple of years back, one of my friends had this discussion at her workplace:

My Friend: My husband and I are looking for a house, but it's so hard to find anything we can afford.

Co-worker: You should just sell an investment property.

My Friend: Uh... we don't have any investment properties...

Co-worker: Really? I have six. I rent one out to cover costs, and keep the others vacant so they'll be in good condition to sell when the price goes up.

That one's pretty blatant, but there are a lot of subtler ways to make the same mistake. For instance, every so often I see an article about how poor people could save $$$ on their food budgets written by somebody who assumes that everybody has a fridge, an assortment of cooking gear, easy access to fresh food markets, and lots of spare time to spend on food prep every night.

The fact that you're asking this question suggests you're already a long way in the right direction. If you want to do better still, go out of your way to listen to/read up on poor people writing about what it's like to be poor - a lot of stuff is really hard to imagine for those of us who've never been there.

With that kind of understanding, you can sometimes go beyond "don't talk about it" and actually make those differences something positive for your co-workers. As you've noticed, somebody with bad finances won't have all the same options you have when looking for a car or a rental, but you may still be able to give them insights into the process - what the landlord will be looking for, things to watch out for on a rental agreement, etc.

Good answers already, my addition would be showing relative wealth should not be dictated by others. If you have nice things you're not obligated to hide them because others don't. And it's good for your career to be well groomed and look successful.

I wear a lot of gold, import silk shirts from Thailand and have my own car. Most people here have none of that. That doesn't stop me from using the car when I want to and strolling around dressed in silk. It is a form of showing off, but it's fine.

It's not what you have that matters, it only matters if you use it maliciously to put others down.