How do we properly manage transitions within a descriptive section?Is it unusual for a flashback to have a...
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How do we properly manage transitions within a descriptive section?
Is it unusual for a flashback to have a very long dialogue?Does the narrator sound childish?Is there a coherence problem in my story?How can I implement more show less tell in my writing?How to manage extensive notes?How to: descriptive writingHow to avoid using “he/she/it” repetitively in actionHow to link two sentences properly?How to write a book about an amnesia patient properly?How do we properly manage the state of transition between unknown and known?
I wrote the following:
She invited him to look out the window, which he did. He looked out of
the gray window and saw a field of green vegetables under a lush blue
sky. Children were playing in the hills descending and going up them
as they played games. Under the mountain, a large silvery river fed
plants and animals in large abundance. It was like heaven on earth.
Her beautiful smile made him cry a bit as she stood beside him.
I wrote this, but I am not sure how to improve the transition from the non-bolded part to the bolded part? Is it just a case of not telling the readers that the main character "turned his head towards her", or is there more to it?
She invited him to look out the window, which he did. He looked out of
the gray window and saw a field of green vegetables under a lush blue
sky. Children were playing in the hills descending and going up them
as they played games. Under the mountain, a large silvery river fed
plants and animals in large abundance. It was like heaven on earth.
He turned his head towards her. Her beautiful smile made him cry a bit as she stood beside him.
I feel like even if I do that, it sounds really awkward and bad, but I can't point the finger on what's wrong with it. Is it a case where we need a different paragraph for the bolded part?
creative-writing
New contributor
add a comment |
I wrote the following:
She invited him to look out the window, which he did. He looked out of
the gray window and saw a field of green vegetables under a lush blue
sky. Children were playing in the hills descending and going up them
as they played games. Under the mountain, a large silvery river fed
plants and animals in large abundance. It was like heaven on earth.
Her beautiful smile made him cry a bit as she stood beside him.
I wrote this, but I am not sure how to improve the transition from the non-bolded part to the bolded part? Is it just a case of not telling the readers that the main character "turned his head towards her", or is there more to it?
She invited him to look out the window, which he did. He looked out of
the gray window and saw a field of green vegetables under a lush blue
sky. Children were playing in the hills descending and going up them
as they played games. Under the mountain, a large silvery river fed
plants and animals in large abundance. It was like heaven on earth.
He turned his head towards her. Her beautiful smile made him cry a bit as she stood beside him.
I feel like even if I do that, it sounds really awkward and bad, but I can't point the finger on what's wrong with it. Is it a case where we need a different paragraph for the bolded part?
creative-writing
New contributor
add a comment |
I wrote the following:
She invited him to look out the window, which he did. He looked out of
the gray window and saw a field of green vegetables under a lush blue
sky. Children were playing in the hills descending and going up them
as they played games. Under the mountain, a large silvery river fed
plants and animals in large abundance. It was like heaven on earth.
Her beautiful smile made him cry a bit as she stood beside him.
I wrote this, but I am not sure how to improve the transition from the non-bolded part to the bolded part? Is it just a case of not telling the readers that the main character "turned his head towards her", or is there more to it?
She invited him to look out the window, which he did. He looked out of
the gray window and saw a field of green vegetables under a lush blue
sky. Children were playing in the hills descending and going up them
as they played games. Under the mountain, a large silvery river fed
plants and animals in large abundance. It was like heaven on earth.
He turned his head towards her. Her beautiful smile made him cry a bit as she stood beside him.
I feel like even if I do that, it sounds really awkward and bad, but I can't point the finger on what's wrong with it. Is it a case where we need a different paragraph for the bolded part?
creative-writing
New contributor
I wrote the following:
She invited him to look out the window, which he did. He looked out of
the gray window and saw a field of green vegetables under a lush blue
sky. Children were playing in the hills descending and going up them
as they played games. Under the mountain, a large silvery river fed
plants and animals in large abundance. It was like heaven on earth.
Her beautiful smile made him cry a bit as she stood beside him.
I wrote this, but I am not sure how to improve the transition from the non-bolded part to the bolded part? Is it just a case of not telling the readers that the main character "turned his head towards her", or is there more to it?
She invited him to look out the window, which he did. He looked out of
the gray window and saw a field of green vegetables under a lush blue
sky. Children were playing in the hills descending and going up them
as they played games. Under the mountain, a large silvery river fed
plants and animals in large abundance. It was like heaven on earth.
He turned his head towards her. Her beautiful smile made him cry a bit as she stood beside him.
I feel like even if I do that, it sounds really awkward and bad, but I can't point the finger on what's wrong with it. Is it a case where we need a different paragraph for the bolded part?
creative-writing
creative-writing
New contributor
New contributor
New contributor
asked 3 hours ago
blackbirdblackbird
1162
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I think it sounds awkward too. First, I would start a new paragraph.
Second; "He turned his head toward her" is awkward; "He looked at her" is less awkward.
"made him cry a bit" sounds strange to me. I think whatever emotion he is feeling needs to be named.
"as she stood beside him" detracts from the expression of emotion because it is a neutral description of her position, and that should not be at the END of the sentence, you want your sentences to end with what was most important in the sentence. In this case, I would move that earlier in the paragraph where you are handling neutral action.
She invited him to look out the window. He stepped to her side, to see what she was seeing.
Getting rid of that, we are left with
He looked at her. Her beautiful smile made him cry a bit.
Break it up, see what pieces we need to handle:
He looked at her. Her smile was beautiful. It made him cry a bit.
There is an opportunity to connect the outside beauty to the woman. We can add a transition from "looking out the window" to "looking at her". And we can make the emotion that makes him cry more explicit.
When he broke his gaze from the window to look at her, her smile was just as beautiful as the splendor outside. Tears of elation welled in his eyes.
So something like that. I say "broke his gaze" because it implies more than looking; he was entranced by what he saw and had to break away. "Looking" or "Looked" is too flat. We connect the beauty he saw outside to the beauty he sees inside. We make the emotion explicit (Elation, or pick your own). We end the sentence with what is most important, the emotion he is feeling so strongly it warrants tearing up.
add a comment |
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1 Answer
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I think it sounds awkward too. First, I would start a new paragraph.
Second; "He turned his head toward her" is awkward; "He looked at her" is less awkward.
"made him cry a bit" sounds strange to me. I think whatever emotion he is feeling needs to be named.
"as she stood beside him" detracts from the expression of emotion because it is a neutral description of her position, and that should not be at the END of the sentence, you want your sentences to end with what was most important in the sentence. In this case, I would move that earlier in the paragraph where you are handling neutral action.
She invited him to look out the window. He stepped to her side, to see what she was seeing.
Getting rid of that, we are left with
He looked at her. Her beautiful smile made him cry a bit.
Break it up, see what pieces we need to handle:
He looked at her. Her smile was beautiful. It made him cry a bit.
There is an opportunity to connect the outside beauty to the woman. We can add a transition from "looking out the window" to "looking at her". And we can make the emotion that makes him cry more explicit.
When he broke his gaze from the window to look at her, her smile was just as beautiful as the splendor outside. Tears of elation welled in his eyes.
So something like that. I say "broke his gaze" because it implies more than looking; he was entranced by what he saw and had to break away. "Looking" or "Looked" is too flat. We connect the beauty he saw outside to the beauty he sees inside. We make the emotion explicit (Elation, or pick your own). We end the sentence with what is most important, the emotion he is feeling so strongly it warrants tearing up.
add a comment |
I think it sounds awkward too. First, I would start a new paragraph.
Second; "He turned his head toward her" is awkward; "He looked at her" is less awkward.
"made him cry a bit" sounds strange to me. I think whatever emotion he is feeling needs to be named.
"as she stood beside him" detracts from the expression of emotion because it is a neutral description of her position, and that should not be at the END of the sentence, you want your sentences to end with what was most important in the sentence. In this case, I would move that earlier in the paragraph where you are handling neutral action.
She invited him to look out the window. He stepped to her side, to see what she was seeing.
Getting rid of that, we are left with
He looked at her. Her beautiful smile made him cry a bit.
Break it up, see what pieces we need to handle:
He looked at her. Her smile was beautiful. It made him cry a bit.
There is an opportunity to connect the outside beauty to the woman. We can add a transition from "looking out the window" to "looking at her". And we can make the emotion that makes him cry more explicit.
When he broke his gaze from the window to look at her, her smile was just as beautiful as the splendor outside. Tears of elation welled in his eyes.
So something like that. I say "broke his gaze" because it implies more than looking; he was entranced by what he saw and had to break away. "Looking" or "Looked" is too flat. We connect the beauty he saw outside to the beauty he sees inside. We make the emotion explicit (Elation, or pick your own). We end the sentence with what is most important, the emotion he is feeling so strongly it warrants tearing up.
add a comment |
I think it sounds awkward too. First, I would start a new paragraph.
Second; "He turned his head toward her" is awkward; "He looked at her" is less awkward.
"made him cry a bit" sounds strange to me. I think whatever emotion he is feeling needs to be named.
"as she stood beside him" detracts from the expression of emotion because it is a neutral description of her position, and that should not be at the END of the sentence, you want your sentences to end with what was most important in the sentence. In this case, I would move that earlier in the paragraph where you are handling neutral action.
She invited him to look out the window. He stepped to her side, to see what she was seeing.
Getting rid of that, we are left with
He looked at her. Her beautiful smile made him cry a bit.
Break it up, see what pieces we need to handle:
He looked at her. Her smile was beautiful. It made him cry a bit.
There is an opportunity to connect the outside beauty to the woman. We can add a transition from "looking out the window" to "looking at her". And we can make the emotion that makes him cry more explicit.
When he broke his gaze from the window to look at her, her smile was just as beautiful as the splendor outside. Tears of elation welled in his eyes.
So something like that. I say "broke his gaze" because it implies more than looking; he was entranced by what he saw and had to break away. "Looking" or "Looked" is too flat. We connect the beauty he saw outside to the beauty he sees inside. We make the emotion explicit (Elation, or pick your own). We end the sentence with what is most important, the emotion he is feeling so strongly it warrants tearing up.
I think it sounds awkward too. First, I would start a new paragraph.
Second; "He turned his head toward her" is awkward; "He looked at her" is less awkward.
"made him cry a bit" sounds strange to me. I think whatever emotion he is feeling needs to be named.
"as she stood beside him" detracts from the expression of emotion because it is a neutral description of her position, and that should not be at the END of the sentence, you want your sentences to end with what was most important in the sentence. In this case, I would move that earlier in the paragraph where you are handling neutral action.
She invited him to look out the window. He stepped to her side, to see what she was seeing.
Getting rid of that, we are left with
He looked at her. Her beautiful smile made him cry a bit.
Break it up, see what pieces we need to handle:
He looked at her. Her smile was beautiful. It made him cry a bit.
There is an opportunity to connect the outside beauty to the woman. We can add a transition from "looking out the window" to "looking at her". And we can make the emotion that makes him cry more explicit.
When he broke his gaze from the window to look at her, her smile was just as beautiful as the splendor outside. Tears of elation welled in his eyes.
So something like that. I say "broke his gaze" because it implies more than looking; he was entranced by what he saw and had to break away. "Looking" or "Looked" is too flat. We connect the beauty he saw outside to the beauty he sees inside. We make the emotion explicit (Elation, or pick your own). We end the sentence with what is most important, the emotion he is feeling so strongly it warrants tearing up.
answered 1 hour ago
AmadeusAmadeus
61.1k678195
61.1k678195
add a comment |
add a comment |
blackbird is a new contributor. Be nice, and check out our Code of Conduct.
blackbird is a new contributor. Be nice, and check out our Code of Conduct.
blackbird is a new contributor. Be nice, and check out our Code of Conduct.
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